Happy Birthday to Me

It’s my birthday! I’m 25! I’m officially decaying faster than I am regenerating! Yay!

25 is a weird age, honestly. It’s the age where my brain is finally finish developing, so no more dumb child brain. But it also means it’s the age where I begin to die. This is the beginning of the end. This is peak. It is it. It’s all downhill from here.

It’s sad, really, to become fully sentient only to begin your descent into death.

It’s very similar to how becoming “woke” is more depressing than being ignorant to your complacency within an abusive system. I would honestly rather believe that racism, sexism, fascism, etc didn’t exist, but here I am, knowing the know, being upset about it all the time, and now I’m slowly dying too. Life is a wild ride of hilarity, huh?

25 is also a quarter of a century. If I assume I’m going to live to be 100, which honestly I assume the world is going to end before that but, if I assume I’m going to live to be 100, then I am a quarter of the way through my life. Which is also bizarre to think about. It’s giving me these flailing arms feelings of this is all I’ve done???

Of course, up until this point I was still mentally a child, I guess, so what really did I expect to do with the first quarter of my life?

Maybe with the second quarter I’ll find a way to survive within this capitalistic hellhole. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even learn how to drive! Or do something crazy, like, get a job!

I’m joking, obviously, I already have a job. But unfortunately, full-time caregiver to my spawn doesn’t pay in money recognized by the state. If only crayon scribbles of Elmo were accepted currency.

Honestly, the aforementioned reasons are not why I find this birthday depressing; they’re just morbid details which I find amusing, because I am, after all, a millennial, and we millennials find grim humor comforting as we wait for death to consume us.

As I am one of the youngest of the millennial generation, I would like to say, congratulations, we’re finally all dying, like we’ve been making jokes about since 2001.

The reason I am upset about this birthday is because I have been excited for and planning my 25th birthday since I was 8.

You see, in my family, I don’t know about other families, but in my family, the year you turn the age that is the same as the day of the month you were born is called your Golden Birthday, and it is extra special. So when my brother turned 13 on the 13th, I was jealous as only a younger sibling could be.

I also had to wait an awfully long time, especially for a then 8 year old, because my birthday is on the 25th, which means I had to wait until I turned 25 to celebrate my Golden Birthday.

And here it is.

I am 25 on the 25th.

And Covid 19 has shut down the fucking country.

I can do nothing that I have been planning and dreaming about for the past 17 years. NOTHING. I can’t even have a couple of friends over! I can’t even go out for dinner! Let alone a party or a vacation. Damn it, my Golden Birthday was supposed to be bigger than my brother’s, not smaller! And he only had two friends over and home-made pizza! It was a very low bar to top! And I lost!

It’s hard not to take this one personally, Universe. Is it a message? Not just is this the year that I am officially grown and officially dying, but I have to give up my Golden Birthday too?

Goodbye childhood.

Goodbye life.

Goodbye hopes and dreams.

Oh yeah, 25 is going to be a good year. I can feel it in my slowly disintegrating bones.

Anyways, tell me in the comments if you have ever heard of a Golden Birthday before and what year you celebrated it/will be celebrating it.

Also, wear a mask so I can do something fun for my birthday next year. You selfish ass-hats.